I’m 33 yrs. old, married for 7 yrs. and have a 6 yr.old girl. My husband and I are both Christian people, we believe in the Word of God and have been active in church. My world was turned upside down last Aug. after my husband admitted to me he called an escort off of the internet and had sex. He was concerned that he caught something and felt guilty and told me. We both got tested for HIV/STD all came back negative. The next day I took off w/ our daughter and moved in w/ my parents. He begged, cried, and asked for forgiveness for the next 3 months.after that. I was sooo angry,I even saw a divorce lawyer. He then stopped fighting, realized I didn’t want to fix this marriage and he began to hang out w/ his brother and go to clubs and even began to talk to other women…younger than us…we are the same age. He then came back around, wanting to return, slowly I have been talking again to him and my daughter is extremely close w/ him…the separation has hurt her a bit. This breaks my heart. He wants us to start again and move back together. (We lost a house to foreclosure prior to that and were living w/ his in laws…that’s why I took off!) He wants to get an apartment. I have very mixed feelings about this. As a Christian woman, were do I begin applying what the word of God says about forgiveness? That’s my conflict. He says he’s sorry but I don’t trust him anymore! He put my life in danger…almost gave me a death sentence! I live in Florida and I was very discouraged by what my attorney told me…the laws here are sooo different from the other states. Bottom line, the courts don’t care what I accuse him of, what they keep their eyes on is on the well being of the child and is shared custody. I wanted to move to Puerto Rico and my attorney told me my husband would have to consent to this. I was sooo mad. I am very angry, I feel as if my feelings haven’t been taken into consideration, I don’t want to be that wife that puts up w/ junk from her man, I want to take off, but my daughter is soo close to him, and I can’t fully leave if I do divorce him. How as a Christian do I get over this? The wound in my heart is soo open and hurting. I don’t think I will be happy back w/ him. Yet, there’s people from the church telling me to patch things up and forgive him. I’m soo confused…
First of all, he did NOT “almost gave [you] a death sentence!” He would have if *he* came up HIV-positive, but *you* didn’t. Short of that, though, all he did was put you both at risk. That’s bad, but only a distant danger.
Secondly, it sounds like you two had marital problems before he confessed to this. Why was he even considering going to an escort for sex? Why did he then confess to you, before he’d even had an HIV test himself? How traumatic was the house foreclosure — for him, for you, for your family life together?
You can only come up with a good, right, and livable solution when you start being stone-cold and absolutely honest with yourself about every single detail of your life. If your description above is true and heartfelt, it doesn’t sound like brutal self-honesty has been a part of your thinking so far. You’ve got serious problems here, and a young life to nurture through all of *your* troubles. It’s time.
Don’t allow your faith and values (Christian or otherwise) to cloud the issue. You already know what right and wrong are. You seem to have a deep sense of what your child needs, and those needs are a priority for you. You also seem to have a strong streak of practicality (having those tests, consulting a lawyer, consulting church friends, etc.). Disregard the dicta of faith (just temporarily), and make a few decisions based on what you sincerely, HONESTLY, believe is the best in the long-term for everyone, including him (you may find you still love him, deep down, enough to stay married, if you can resolve the hurts — or you may realize that *he* is immature or damaged enough that *he* shouldn’t be married at all — or any number of other things that tip your decisions).
When you finally have your head and heart clear enough about all this to make sensible decisions, I’m guessing that you’ll discover that they fit everything that you believe in about your own Christianity. In other words: don’t try to make “Christianity” make your decisions for you. Make your own decisions: if you are truly a Christian, your decisions will be completely consistent with Christian ethics and teachings.
Now, here’s my very best specific advice. Use or ignore as you see fit:
If you can, take a long weekend off to sort out your head and your heart. Get away from EVERYONE involved. Rent a cabin in the Shenandoahs or at a rural beach somewhere, anywhere that doesn’t look or feel anything like where you’re living right now.
Take your Bible, a lot of blank paper and several pens, and things to do that you can think through — music, a deck of cards, a camera, walking shoes and hiking stick, tissues, tea makings and a plug-in teakettle, comfort foods, books & mags for light reading, sketchbook and pencils, etc. And think. Write, walk, star-gaze, exercise, cry, lie there in the dark, sit on the porch in the middle of the night, sleep, cry some more, pig out on chocolate, whatever. Write down whatever occurs to you (feelings & ideas), or write down checklists and plans.
When you go back home, you still might not have a clear idea of what you want to do, but you WILL have a *better* idea of what’s most in your heart. And the abrupt changes of scene alone will put both your pain and your life-dilemmas into much clearer perspective, which, I think you already know, you desperately need.
I know this works — or at least, helps immensely. Please don’t ask me how I know.
Good luck, and God bless. You have all my sympathy.
There are excellent Christian counselors who can help you with this. I think you can contact Focus on the Family if you need help with a referral.
No marriage is immune today, sadly. I do not really recommend that you get your advice from church people about this, because they did not go through this, they did not live with him and they aren’t you. Ultimately, only you can decide whether to try again, but you are well within your rights to divorce him if you cannot. Forgiveness is about healing and moving on, not about going back to the one who harmed you.
As far as your divorce goes, seek advice from a couple of different attorneys and make sure you find out all of your options. Shared custody doesn’t necessarily mean every week, it can be done in several different ways which might allow you to relocate. The best interests of the child means you have to show the court that relocation is necessary and that it won’t harm the child’s ability to have a good relationship with her father. I’m sure Florida isn’t that much different about this.
In the bible, the ONLY reason to ever divorce, is adultry. So in God’s eyes your divorce would be allowed and justified. Now, for him to have not completed the divorce, makes me wonder if he’s trying to hold on to you, just incase things don’t work out with the new girl. But let me ask you this, and you don’t have to post an answer to it, just answer yourself. If he was to leave her, and come back to you. Do you think you can ever trust him and feel the same about him? Or do you think it will only give you and him more problems? I think it’s best to look at it from all sides. Why don’t you pray about whether or not you should move on, or possibly try to get back with him. Have the elders in your church pray for this as well. That’s your best start. See what God wants you to do. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God bless, and best wishes
Hi i feel really sorry for your situation. For all of you. Its sad really. Im not a super religious person but i do go to church and try really hard to be a good person. Its very hard. However, god wants us to live healthy and happy lives. I feel that you forgave your husband you just dont want to be with him anymore and thats okay. Im catholic and cheating is a grounds for an annulment. If you feel that you can no longer trust your husband, i woulndt go back wth him and god wont be upset with you for this. You arent doing anything wrong. You can still forgive your husband but it doesnt mean you have to take him back especially if you have doubts. I personally would be scared and it would take me a longt ime to trust again. You guys can always be friends especially for your daughter. this is the most important thing here. Its not your fault what happened and your husband shoudl of been wiser and not so stupid. How could he do somethihg so low like this int he first place? Christian or non christian you need time to heal and he has to respect this. Maybe years down the road things may work out but peopel never really change. He has poor will power.
it is not uncommon for Christians to try and encourage you to keep he marriage together because that is exactly what it is good christians using wisdom. yes they should promote forgiveness and reconsiliation to you it would be un christian not to
But in the Bible in 1 corinthians it clearly states you can divorse when adultry is committed God permits this quiet clearly. Yes eventually you must forgive him but do not be mistaken that forgiveness fixes everything. For example a Muderer can be forgiven but that doesnt exempt him from a jail sentance.
There are still consequences even though forgiveness has been given.
Forgivenessis part of the healing process and is done out of an act of love and as us people of the world it doesnt come easy because we all fall short of the glory of god.
Dont forget even if you do forgive him you have every right to divorce and also feel the way you do make no mistake about it.
Make sure you get good council because even Christians can come across as being hypocritical at the best of times even me.
Your main focas is GOD and your Daughter
I mean look at it this way from my point of view I can handle most things but when trust is broken through adultry it really kills the marriage off. Dont get me wrong there have been cases where couples have reconsiled and had a great marriage. I mean what happened to you happened to me too but i decided to work on my marriage and it took years to get it up and running and things are great. Trust is easy to lose but hard to regain but not impossible and with all that comes a huge risk and that is only a decision you can make.
On the flip side take a look at Jimmy Swaggart a minister. I just goes to show we are only human we do make mistakes and can be forgiven but still consequences with also come with the mistake regardless of forgivenss or not
At the end of the day the decision is up to you and between you and GOD.
all the best and GOd Bless
Forgiving your husband does not necessarily mean taking him back. You can forgive him for what he did but still divorce him.
Clearly, he was not truly sorry for his infidelity, or else he would not have gone back out to the clubs again hitting on a younger woman. If he was really sorry, he would have stayed home or done something else – he would have showed that he was committed to making your marriage whole again.
Dear, your marriage is over. Your daughter can still have a healthy relationship with her father if he is willing to put the time & effort into it. And as for what the people at church say… they don’t have to live through this, and they didn’t have to get tested for HIV – you do and you did.
I think that you both need to attend counseling at your church with a pastor. This needs to be done separately before you can work together. If he’s still out there looking at and picking up chicks, I wouldn’t feel like he is remorseful at all about what he did. On the other hand, it really hurts to have something like this happen to you and this is why I suggest you get counseling. You need to learn how your heart can forgive him for this. Once you’ve both progressed then the pastor can move you onto couples counseling. Be sure to have the same pastor counsel each of you separately and continue counseling once you begin going together. Best of luck and just keep praying for yourself for strength, patience, and understanding and your husband for a soft heart, remorse, and patience as well.
The bond of marriage is suppose to provide emotional and financial security for the husband and wife, a stable and secure environment for their children, and reduce the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Adultery is strictly condemned throughout scripture. Yes as a christian you should forgive your husband but forgiving doesn’t not mean you can forget. Forgiving does not mean you have to reconcile your marriage. I understand how close your daughter is to her father but you must remember, unfortunately so very often women learn what to accept, expect and condone in their relationships and marriages from what they saw as they grew up. Think of what is best not just for yourself but your daughter. Fl. laws are a bear when it comes to women but they do concern themselves about what is best for the child. Read Exodus 20:14, Luke 18:18-20 and Matthew 5:27-28 then pray for guidance and follow your gut and heart.
As someone already said, the Bible says adultery is grounds for divorce.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be forgiving, but it also doesn’t mean you have to put yourself back into the marriage where you could potentially be hurt again. Sounds like he needs some christian counseling or some men in the church to hold him accountable. He needs to show that he’s trustworthy. Pray for him and what God wants you to do. Even though this hasn’t happened to me, this would probably be what I would do in that situation. It’s sad. My best advice—PRAY!
You know marriage is Life time commitment. But God also wants you happy. So this is a hard thing. Have you prayed. only God would know your husbands true heart. Whether or not he is really sorry for what he did. I would pray and ask for guidance. If you get a comforting feeling fix your marriage. If you are left confused and scared then there is something wrong. Pray hard and with a sincere heat god will not leave you comfortless. You already know that.
Once you have an answer then follow through and keep praying for guidance and protection. YOU HAVE BEEN WRONGED and god knows this. So he will help and guide you to your answers you need.